


Positive Thinking Should Do

by CassadyFlies



Category: No. 6 - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reunion, Reunion Fic, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-07-12 20:41:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7121839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassadyFlies/pseuds/CassadyFlies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years after the fall, Shion has moved on with his life. He's got a job, a house, and he's even been dating someone. All that is turned upside down when remnants of his past show up and remind him who he really is.</p><p>When I read the novel, Nezumi and Shion's relationship seemed to have a very strange protector/dependent dynamic to it. This story plays off the idea that Shion was an unreliable narrator, and something darker was at work that he couldn't see at the time.</p><p>Rated explicit for reasons you'll see later...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crate Training

Time moves on. Quickly when you wish you could stay in the past. Slowly when you wish you could skip ahead to the next chapter, instead of that stuck in limbo waiting place that pulls at every nerve until you’re grimacing in anticipation of gratification that seems never to come. However, Shion had gotten on with his life. A few years after the fall, he had a job, he had a house, and he had even started dating someone.

They had met at the opening of a new park, built just at the old border of the north district and Chronos. Soon, the two were talking about the culture clash and exchange between old and new citizens of No. 6 and eventually wound up at a coffee bar, chatting like old friends. It had been a bit of an awkward conversation when Shion told his mother, though.

Shion always told his mother everything. She was really the only one he ever opened up to. He tended to take the backseat in conversations with friends, preferring just to listen and not speak. However, with his mother, he laid everything on the table. She was always the one to help him sort out the problems in his life. So, when he told her he was dating, he wasn’t the least bit nervous.

They were sitting at the dinner table at her house, sampling the latest batch of pastries for Karan’s bakery. Shion brought it up casually, as a pot of tea steeped between them.

“I’ve been on a few dates recently.”

Karan’s face broke into a huge grin. “Really? Oh, I’m so relieved.”

Shion laughed awkwardly. “Really? Why?”

Karan waved her hand airily. “I just worry. I’m your mother, I worry. I want you to be happy, that’s all.” Her expression turned serious. “No matter who you choose, I’m happy if you’re happy.”

Shion nodded slowly, a little unnerved by her change of tone. “Okay. Well, I am. It’s been fun. We’ve gone out a few times, and I’m hoping it will last.”

Karan smiled warmly, and poured each of them a cup of tea. “So, what’s his name?”

An awkward silence fell between them as Shion tried to think of a response to that. “Uh…” he began, just to fill the silence. “Actually… I’m… I’m…” He frowned at his cup of tea, pieces falling into place. Finally, he laughed and looked back up at his mother. “Mom, she’s a girl.”

“Really?” Karan leaned in minutely, then caught herself. “That’s… also fine.” She paused for a long moment. “A girl, huh?” She shook her head. “Alright then, what’s _her_ name?”

“Shisaku,” Shion responded dully, still mildly shocked. Again, silence fell between them.

After a while, Karan broke the silence, speaking in hushed, gentle tones. “I know you don’t like me to bring it up, but-”

“I don’t want to go to therapy,” Shion interrupted her quickly.

Karan shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. Back then, when you were taken away to west block, I know that was a stressful time for you. Stuck in a new, dangerous place where you didn’t know anybody.”

“I did,” Shion interrupted again.

Karan faltered. “I- okay. You knew one person. And maybe that’s why you found him so-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Shion stood up, a slight tremor coming to his hands.

Karan looked hurt. “Don’t just walk away! Sit and let’s talk or not, but don’t walk away angry like that.”

Shion sighed. It wasn’t that he was angry, he was just exhausted. That time in his life… It was painful to remember. Recently he’d been detangling a bunch of memories from back then, and he’d been a little unsettled by what he’d found. Those three months before the wall fell… It was almost like he’d forgotten how it really used to be, he had been so caught up in the euphoria of victory. “Okay.” He sat back down. Really, it was humiliating to think back to how he was in west block. He was immature and romanticized the most desperate situations. Besides that, he was a hormone fueled, slightly manic teenager who thought he could take over the world.

“I really think you should talk to someone.” Karan said gingerly.

“I’m talking to you.” Shion smiled at her sadly.

“You’re really not.” Karan stared pensively into her tea. “I just want you to be happy.”

Shion nodded. “I know. I am. I don’t think dredging up the past is going to do any good, though. I want to move forward. I want to see where this goes with Shisaku. I think things could be good.”

Karan reached out and took one of Shion’s hands in both of hers. “Okay. Just remember you can always tell me anything.”

Shion nodded, and smiled.

Hours later, he sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the blank screen of his phone indecisively. He was shaking violently, and the instinctive need to cry for help glued his phone to his hands as he battled with himself not to call anyone. With a major surge of willpower, he tossed the phone to the side and fell back on his bed, allowing tremors to consume his body.

“You’re staying inside.” Nezumi told him firmly. “Unless you’re going to Inukashi’s to wash the dogs, or you’re with me, you’re staying inside.”

Shion pouted, but sat back down on the couch. “I’m really bored.”

“Tough.” Nezumi pulled on his jacket and headed for the door. “It’s dangerous out there. There are drones, they could see you. You don’t exactly blend in.”

Shion scowled. “You said nobody was looking for me. You said I’m garbage to them.”

Nezumi huffed. “Do I really need to explain this again? You’re smarter than that. Do you value your life at all?” He turned around to face Shion squarely. “It’s not just No. 6, idiot. There are bad people who were born and raised out here. People who will hurt you and kill you just because you catch their attention. You think you could fight them off?”

The words hit Shion like a slap on the cheek. Yeah. I guess it’s stupid of me. “Yeah… Don’t you worry about yourself, though?”

Nezumi scoffed. “I know how to get around. Unlike you, I know how these people think. Plus, I’m stronger and faster than you.”

Shion nodded. That was true. He sighed. “Can you take me outside later, then? I’m going stir crazy.”

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to be responsible for you. Organize the bookshelves or something. Keep busy.” Without another word, he disappeared out the door, leaving Shion alone with the mice.

Shion snapped back to reality, still shaking as he lay in bed, a thin sheet of sweat covering his whole body. His memories rung in his ears as loud as reality, racing through his mind at painful speeds.

“Fine! Fine, Shion!” Nezumi yelled, throwing his hands in the air in defeat. “You do what you want, you’re your own person. Go outside. Make your own decisions.” He flipped his knife closed and tossed it at Shion’s chest. “At least do something useful. Go get food or something.”

Shion caught the knife clumsily, eyes wide. “What, now? It’s already dark!”

“Yeah, sure is. That means street vendors are out.” Nezumi collapsed into bed and turned towards the wall. “So, go get food.”

Shion hesitated. He felt guilty. This was what he had asked for, but… “Isn’t it dangerous?”

“Oh my _god!!”_ Nezumi curled in on himself where he lay. “Of course! Of course it is! Why do you think I told you not to go?! But you kept asking, so go! Who am I, your dad? Do you need my permission? Nobody’s keeping you here! Leave!”

Shion felt like crying. Fear made him want to stay, but pride made him need to go. “Okay…” He turned the knife over in his hands, shocked to the core. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yep.” Nezumi pulled the blanket over his head.

The memory clammered horribly through Shion’s mind, intensifying the tremors that ran through his body. He remembered that night far too clearly. Men had yelled at him in the streets, and starving children pulled at his clothing, begging for anything to eat. _Hunger._ That was the only word to describe west block. The hunger in those men’s eyes as they stared at Shion’s body, and the hunger in the eyes and the bones and the cheeks and the horribly distended stomachs of those poor children. It made him feel sick. He felt terrified and helpless against the men that had laid their hands on him as he walked as fast as he could down the street, and he felt guilty and helpless as he couldn’t feed the hungry children or he would become one of them.

Nezumi had laughed at Shion’s horror with the outside world, and that might have been the worst thing of all. More than anything, Nezumi’s dismissive laughter made Shion feel weak and insufficient. What was so fundamentally wrong with him that he couldn’t cope in this place? What did Nezumi have that Shion simply didn’t?

Shion’s phone rang, startling him out of his flashback. Shisaku’s name blinked on the screen. Shion ignored it. Even if he could have managed to speak in his state, he didn’t want to. He wanted to sleep.

He wished he could just fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BONUS STORY: (yeah, I'm doing bonus stories again. I liked them. Sh.)
> 
> These were the moments Shion lived for. He and Nezumi stood just slightly within each other’s personal space in that room that smelled of books and firewood and the strangely sweet smell of mice. These were the words that made Shion’s head spin. When he felt protected and safe and best of all like Nezumi would defend him.
> 
> Nezumi was leaving for work in the afternoon, backpack draped over one shoulder. “Are you going to be okay alone?”
> 
> Shion could listen to that phrase forever. It meant Nezumi cared. That he was concerned for him. “Yeah,” Shion replied, trying not to let the emotion show in his voice, although it almost certainly was apparent in his cheeks. Since his coloration had changed, it was painfully obvious every time he blushed.
> 
> “Okay.” Absentmindedly, Nezumi reached out to touch Shion’s hair. He twirled a strand between his fingers.
> 
> Shion’s knees felt weak.
> 
> Nezumi cleared his throat and pulled his hand away, seeming to realize what he was doing. “Bye, then.” He turned around and left quickly.
> 
> “Bye,” Shion whispered to the door. He didn’t mind being stuck in the house when Nezumi said things like that. It felt luxurious to be protected. Like he was taken care of. It felt like home.
> 
> Even when Nezumi locked the door from the outside.


	2. Leash Training

“I was thinking it could be cool to turn the remainder of the wall into an art piece,” Shisaku mused as she gestured vaguely with her fork. The two sat in a corner table at a local restaurant, chatting idly as they ate. “Maybe commission some people to paint murals inspired by the fall, or how things used to be.”

Shion nodded. “That’s not a bad idea. I can’t think of anything better to do with chunks of metal and cement. I’ll bring it up, but we’re more focussed on the transportation issue right now. That might be more of a Parks and Recreation project.”

Shisaku grinned. “Cool.” Her expression changed, and she fell silent for a long moment. “Hey, Shion.”

“Hm?” Shion’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. He knew that tone.

“I haven’t asked yet because I know it might be a touchy subject, but…” She sighed. “I’m really curious. About what happened.”

Right. Of course. “Oh,” Shion responded dully.

Shisaku backed up. “You don’t _have_ to tell me of course. And I know what you’ve said in interviews and all that, but… I mean there’s still a lot of ambiguity surrounding the event. Don’t you want to make it clear? For the history books?”

Shion thought about it. _How could I even begin to explain?_ He laughed dryly. “The thing is, I’m not sure what exactly happened myself. I mean, there were bees and talking computer holograms and I guess what was a magical song… The only thing that really made any sense to me was the explosion. There was a bomb and we blew it up.” He paused, biting the inside of his lip. “Hm, you know… If we had failed, we’d be terrorists. We’re only heroes because we won. That fucks me up sometimes…”

Shisaku reached out and took his hand from across the table. “It’s okay. Honestly, I don’t think it matters either way. Whether you’re a terrorist or a hero.”

Shion raised his eyebrows, surprised. “Really? Why?”

Shisaku hummed thoughtfully. “All terrorists are heroes in their own minds. Those words are just two sides of the same coin. It just depends on who you ask.”

Shion stared at the table, taking that in. “You know, that’s also a defense of terrorism.”

Shisaku nodded, leaning back in her chair. “If there was world peace, there would be neither heroes or terrorists. Both are products of violence. Terrorism and heroism are just symptoms of a larger problem.”

Shion frowned. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. Nothing exists in a void.”

“Yeah. The invention of Fanta was due to Nazi Germany, and mass livestock farming solves world hunger but causes global warming. Nothing is good, Shion. Not you, not me, not No. 6 or the City of Roses.” Shisaku shrugged sadly. “But I’m still gonna buy fanta and beef because both are delicious. How about you?”

Shion nodded. “Yeah… I mean, I understand your logic, but No. 6 was founded on genocide. How do you reconcile the deaths of millions with the privileged lifestyle we live today because of it?”

Shisaku sighed heavily. “We’re humans. Everyone kills everyone all the time for no reason. I’m not saying genocide is ever justified, obviously it’s an atrocity, I’m just saying that everyone does it. We did it, the countries before Babylon did it, and I’ll bet you anything the Mao people did it too. It’s horrible and it ruins lives for generations, but you don’t need to feel specifically guilty about it because you had nothing to do with it. You’re just a person who was born on the lucky side. And you did everything you could possibly do with your privilege in order to correct the massive flaws in our society. So, isn’t it _good_ that you received all these benefits? You went beyond your call of duty to fix what was broken, and you were only able to do that because you were born to power. So shut up and eat your lunch.”

Shion smiled. This was why he liked Shisaku. She was blunt, thoughtful, and a complete nihilist. Her motto was “Don’t worry about it,” but she always had meticulously thought out reasons as to why it wasn’t worth the stress. Her dogmatic apathy had managed to pull Shion from a several year long depression within a few months of knowing her. They had a good rapport, and spent hours in eggheaded socratic conversation.

“Let’s have sex.”

Shion stared blankly at Shisaku, taking a moment to process what she had said. “Oh,” was his only response. Inside, he wanted to laugh. _I have a type…_

She laughed. “‘Oh?’ That’s all you have to say?”

“That was a really direct way of saying it, that’s all. You surprised me,” Shion defended himself.

Shisaku tutted and smirked at him. “I expected better from you. We’ve been on like six dates. You never invite me to your house, and I have roommates so it’s kinda assumed we’d go over to your place.”

Shion’s pride felt a bit hurt. “I didn’t know if you’d want that!”

She slid down in her chair dramatically. “My _god!_ Sometimes, I swear… You frustrate me.”

Shion peered over the table at her. “That’s not very romantic.”

She narrowed her eyes challengingly. “You want romantic? I can be romantic. I can be ten times more romantic than you are sexual.”

Shion folded his arms across his chest. “Is that a challenge?”

Shisaku sat up, grinning widely. “Yeah. I challenge you to sexy-time at your place tonight.”

“You’re on.” Shion held out his hand and they shook on the deal. A moment past and they both hid their faces in their hands.

“Probably not the best proposition you’ve ever received.” Shisaku hid her blush in her glass of water.

Shion thought about it. “Actually…”

She rolled her eyes. “What, you’ve heard worse than “Let’s have sex?””

“Well, one time I got felt up by cannibals,” Shion recalled.

Shisaku pursed her lips. “Hm. Yeah, that’s worse.”

“I said, “Bite me.””

Shisaku burst out laughing. Several other restaurant patrons turned to stare. “Dammit, you’re cool… Alright, I feel better. I have better game than cannibals. Low bar, but not the lowest it could be.” She glanced down at her empty plate. “Alright, I’m done. Wanna get out of here?”

Shion smiled, and stood. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

It felt right, walking home hand-in-hand with Shisaku. Like a nice, normal couple that one might see on the street and pay no mind to. Nobody stared at them with disgust or pity or even curiosity. They were allowed to be in their own little world, where nobody else could intrude.

A gut wrenching sight caught Shion’s eye just a moment later, causing him to stop suddenly in his tracks.

Shisaku looked at him nervously. “What’s wrong?”

Shion stared dully ahead, a horrible anticipation washing over him. He pointed across the street to a park bench. On it, a mouse sat on it’s hind legs, staring at them. Shion’s voice was flat when he asked her, “Does that mouse look normal to you?”

Shisaku glanced at the bench then back at Shion, looking completely confused. _“...What?”_ She glanced at the bench again. “The _mouse?_ Yeah. It looks fine. It’s a mouse. What’s the problem?”

Shion shook his head, tears prickling in his eyes as an inexplicable sadness filled him. “It’s watching us, isn’t it?” He let go of Shisaku’s hand.

Shisaku looked highly concerned. “Hey, are you okay? Do you feel well? You’re really pale.” She tried to take Shion’s hand again, but he pulled away. “Hey, woah. Shion. What’s the matter? Shit, do I need to call someone? Like… Your mom? A doctor?”

 _What is this?_ Shion didn’t understand the deep feeling of loss he was experiencing. Like his life was coming to a close. The tears finally breached his eyes and tumbled down his cheeks where he was powerless to stop them. He called out to the mouse, “How long?” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “How long have you been here?”

Shisaku looked terrified. She quickly stuck her hand in Shion’s pocket and took his phone before taking a few hasty steps away to dial a number.

“Were you just going to hide forever?” Shion’s voice wavered as he tried to suppress his mounting anger. “Watching me from the shadows while I stay oblivious?”

“Hi, is this Karan, Shion’s mom? My name is Shisaku, I’m with Shion right now.” She spoke in a hushed tone, but it didn’t matter. Shion wasn’t paying attention. “He’s acting really strange, and I’m worried about him. We’re just south of forest park. He’s… um… Yelling at a mouse he saw on a park bench. Is this… Has he ever done anything like this before?” She paused to listen. “Okay. I’ll turn on the GPS, we’ll be waiting right here for you. Two minutes. Got it.”

“Say something!” Shion cried. “You think I don’t know it’s you? Or did you decide to show up just now because I’m with a girl again? Are you really so petty?”

The mouse fell to all fours and blinked.

Shion laughed mirthlessly. He turned and grabbed Shisaku by the arm, pulling her forwards. She gasped, looking terrified. “Say hi, Shisaku. This is an old friend of mine.”

Shisaku looked close to tears. “Shion, it’s a _mouse.”_

Shion shook his head. “It’s a robot. It’s connected by bluetooth to a TV monitor somewhere near here.”

“Oh my god…” Shisaku whispered. “Okay, just hold on. I called your mom, she’ll be here in a minute.”

Shion rolled his eyes. “I’m not crazy, this has happened before. My mom knows, just hold on. She’ll tell you.” He turned back to the mouse. “Yeah, I’m dating this girl. I like her a lot. We met in the wreck of a city you left behind. She put me back together after you _destroyed_ me. And you’re just going to sit there watching me from some room, deciding whether or not it’s worth it to come out and say hello? That’s not fair!”

In the distance, two headlights appeared. A moment later, Karan pulled up next to them in one of the city’s many electric golf carts. “Shion, what’s wrong?” She rushed over to him.

Shion just pointed.

Karan took a few slow steps towards the bench. Hesitantly, she called out. “Nezumi?”

The mouse darted away.

“...What the hell?” Shisaku glanced between the two of them with rounded eyes.

Karan turned back to Shion solemnly. “Are you sure?”

Shion nodded.

“Oh, baby… It’s gonna be fine.” Karan opened her arms and Shion ran forward to embrace her, shaking with tears.

“He’s never coming back, Mom. How long do you think he’s been watching me? He’s never coming back.” Shion buried his face in her shoulder.

Karan looked at Shisaku apologetically. “I’m sure Shion will explain when he’s ready. It’s about the fall, I’m sure you understand.”

Shisaku just gaped.

“You gotta let him go.” Karan rubbed his back as she held him. “That was a bad time, and he’s not good for you.”

“Mama, I loved him,” Shion admitted, sobbing. “I think I still do.”

“Shh… Okay. It’s okay.” Karan soothed, shooting another apologetic glance at Shisaku whose jaw was slack. “Let me drive the two of you home.”

Shion nodded, and the three clambered onto the golf cart. Shion sat with his head in his hands the whole time, unwilling to face Shisaku or anything else for that matter. When he got home, he fell down in bed alone and lay there awake until morning, soaking in his depression.

Shisaku was right.

Nothing is good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT. Getting into the actual story.
> 
> Here's the bonus:
> 
> Shion hurt Nezumi’s heart. He was so fragile, so easy to lose. Besides that, he was a highly attractive target for many people who still believed in the old superstition that the bones of an albino could cure disease. Every now and then, an albino baby was born in west block, and they never lasted long. Often times, the parents would just abandon the child, not wanting to keep a baby that could make their family a target. Nezumi couldn’t abandon Shion, so the best way to keep him safe was to keep him inside. Honestly, he wasn’t sure why he bothered. He could let Shion do what he wanted, and if the kid got killed, it wouldn’t be Nezumi’s fault. But something inside of him made him want to keep Shion safe, and unfortunately, this was the best way to do it. It felt wrong, hurting him like that. It felt even more wrong when it came to the use of force to keep him inside. Still, a few bruises on Shion’s skin were better than a knife to his gut. That was the reality of this place.
> 
> He knew Shion didn’t understand. Shion tended to be more emotionally focussed than Nezumi, and that often got in the way of his better judgement. It took a while for the lesson to sink in that he was better off inside. That when Nezumi closed his hands around Shion’s neck, it was just to keep him safe. It really was. Shion cried, but he got over it. He came to understand, and even appreciate what Nezumi did for him.
> 
> Their relationship grew from there. It gave Nezumi purpose to protect Shion, and to shield him from the horrors of the outdoors. It endeared him in Nezumi’s eyes to see him safe and happy, waiting at home with dinner, or reading a book aloud to his mice. At night, Nezumi always slept on the side of the bed closest to the door. Shion always curled up against Nezumi’s chest, and that’s how they fell asleep; a perfect representation of everything they stood for to each other.
> 
> It was the best Nezumi had slept in years.


	3. House Training

The next day, Shion didn’t want to leave the house. He knew he needed to explain himself to Shisaku, but he was also terrified he might run into Nezumi. He didn’t want this drama. He just wanted to live an easy life with a government job and maybe someday have a family. With a girl. A nice girl who didn’t leave the country for years with no explanation.

_Maybe I actually should talk to a professional,_ he thought to himself. _Then they could give me drugs and I wouldn’t have to think about this anymore._ He wandered around his house, slowly getting dressed and cooking just to feel like he was doing something. He was about to sit down on the couch and watch TV when his doorbell rang.

_Oh, Shit. No, no, no. Who is that?_ Maybe it was just his mom. Maybe she was coming over to bring him pastries she had overstocked. Maybe it was someone from work coming over to drop off some form or file he had left behind. Maybe it was an axe murderer come to put him out of his misery.

“Who is it?” Shion called through the door, fear tying his stomach in knots.

“Um… Shion?” Shisaku’s voice questioned.

“Oh, okay.” Shion opened the door. It took him a long moment to process what he was seeing as he stared directly into eyes that were absolutely not Shisaku’s. “...What?” he managed, trying to comprehend. It was like putting together a puzzle of a face. Eyes, lips, cheeks, nose, wait…

“Hey.” Nezumi said simply, peering over Shion’s shoulder into the house.

Shisaku was standing beside him, looking justifiably confused. “Is this… The guy from all the news stories is that mouse from the park?”

Shion couldn’t answer her. He was at a complete loss for words.

“So, this is your girlfriend?” Nezumi gestured at Shisaku. “Hm. Okay, whatever.”

“So…” Shion’s voice was weak. “You…”

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “Go inside, Shion.”

Almost without thinking, Shion obeyed. He could feel the world closing around him. Claustrophobia set in, and he curled in on himself like a dying flower as he sat down on the couch waiting for whatever was going to happen to hurry up and happen. “Shisaku-”

She sat down next to him, wrapping a protective arm around his shoulders as Nezumi took a chair across from them.

“I guess I owe you some answers,” Nezumi began, crossing his legs. “You know, to the questions you so eloquently screamed at me last night.” He waited for Shion to nod his approval before continuing. “I’ve been here for a little over a month.”

Tears sprung to Shion’s eyes at that news. One month, and Nezumi hadn’t said anything to him? Nothing at all? Nezumi occupied so much space in Shion’s mind, did that only go one way?

“Shit, don’t _cry.”_ Nezumi grimaced. “Aren’t you trying to impress this girl?”

Shisaku frowned. “Shisaku. That’s my name. He doesn’t have to try.”

Nezumi massaged his temples. “Dear god, they’re _both_ like this…” he muttered to himself. “Look, Shion, I’m not gonna try to defend myself here, because I know how you think and I know you’re already pretty pissed at me. I’m just here to say hello, like you asked. I would have come here alone so we could catch up, but I ran into your… girlfriend…” he trailed on the word like he still wasn’t positive that’s what she was. “And she recognized me from the thing. So here we are.” He stood up, which set off alarm bells in Shion’s head causing him to spring to his feet as well.

“Wait, don’t go!” Shion lunged over and grabbed both of Nezumi’s hands. _He smells the same…_ That realization alone made his knees feel weak. He looked down at Nezumi’s hands in his own, feeling suddenly much calmer. He smiled.

When Nezumi spoke, his voice was much softer. Like a mother calming down a frightened child. “You need to explain some things to Shisaku.”

Shion gripped Nezumi’s hands tighter, fear of abandonment creeping through his veins. “I know. I will. Don’t go.”

Nezumi gently pulled his hands free. “I’ll be back.” He turned and walked towards the door. Shion darted after him frantically. Nezumi put one hand on the doorknob and the other against Shion’s chest, keeping him back. “Stay here, Shion,” he commanded.

Something deeply ingrained in Shion’s psyche obeyed. He fell back, eyes cast to the floor.

“I’ll be back,” Nezumi repeated.

Shion felt like he was choking. “When?” He looked up at Nezumi’s stormy expression, and didn’t press the matter. “Okay…”

Nezumi left without another word.

Shisaku approached Shion from behind, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Dude. What the hell?”

“That’s Nezumi,” Shion replied by way of explanation.

“What the absolute hell?” Shisaku looked stunned. “You let him treat you like that? Who the hell was that?”

Shion sighed. _I guess it’s time to explain._ “We lived together for three months before the revolution. Out in west block.”

A disgusted look came over Shisaku’s face. “You lived for three whole months with _that_ asshole?”

Shion was a little offended. “It was a rough place. I didn’t know anything about how to live out there, and he protected me.”

Shisaku stared at Shion like he was an idiot. “I know what west block was like. I was born there. I lived there my whole life.”

“I would have gotten myself killed out there if it weren’t for Nezumi.” Shion defended him.

Shisaku shook her head incredulously. “He’s playing you. I mean, you went outside, you saw what west block was like. It’s not just murder and mayhem everywhere you go. You just gotta know which streets to take.”

Shion shook his head. “I guess I didn’t know.”

Shisaku shook her head in disbelief. “Well, I wouldn’t let him back into my life if I were you. I mean, I get that you bonded over the revolution, but I’ve never seen you do anything like that before. I don’t like it.”

Shion stared at the door. “Like what?”

“Like… act all pathetic and submissive.” She took his hands. “Look, I’m sorry to say it so harshly, but that was really shocking. I’ve seen you confront corrupt politicians and hand out life sentences with all the authority in the world. Yet this random kid you knew when you were sixteen can just come into your home and break you down like that? What did he do to you?”

Shion was still staring at the door, Shisaku’s words barely registering. “He saved my life.”

“So, what, now you’re gonna be his bitch forever?” Shisaku looked angry. “No. No. Screw that. When he comes back you tell him to fuck off and leave you alone. You don’t need that.”

Shion felt stuck. Here was this girl he liked, telling him to move on and forget his past, and here was this boy he loved, and who knew what could happen there? He looked at Shisaku seriously. “I think I need time-”

“Sh. Sh. Shut up, Shion. Shut. It.” She held up her hand, effectively silencing Shion. “You know, this is stupid. This is really really stupid. I, uh, I think you need to just avoid him, you know? Forever.” She ran her fingers through her hair, anxiety etched into every feature. “Hey, you know what? Let’s wait. Let’s wait it out here together, and when he comes back, you can tell him to fuck off for good. Huh? Sound good to you?”

Shion opened his mouth to respond, but Shisaku cut him off. “No. Sh. Sh. That’s what’s happening. I don’t want to- I don’t want you to-”

“Hey, woah.” Shion stepped forward, putting his hands on her shoulders. “It’s not that bad. Calm down.” He sighed. “Alright. Fine. When he comes back, you can be here. Okay? We can talk. You can meet him. You can see what he’s really like.”

She nodded, eyes red and wet looking. It was at that moment Shion remembered what she’d overheard last night. 

_“I loved him, I think I still do.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay- so, your girl’s drunk. I bought some tequila and fireworks, and I’m gonna go do that, but then I realized I was late posting this chapter, so here’s a quick bonus story. This may be the last time you hear from me before the arson charges that will soon transpire.
> 
> Nezumi stood outside the door to their room in west block, key in hand. He stared down at the padlock indecisively. Really, it was for Shion’s own good. He couldn’t be trusted wandering around on his own. Then again, Nezumi really shouldn’t have this feeling…
> 
> This terrible, shameful feeling had been growing in the pit of his stomach over the past few weeks. Every time he shut Shion inside, it felt better and better. Almost like…
> 
> Well, Nezumi had never had many friends over the course of his short life. Really none, unless you counted people he worked with and tolerated. People that he did get along with at first tended to leave in a hurry after getting to know him. Shion… Nezumi really liked Shion. He didn’t want him to leave like the others. So, locking him inside felt like reassurance. That Shion would definitely still be there when he got home.
> 
> Like shutting his mice in a cage. He shut Shion inside. It felt… like the most power Nezumi had ever been allowed to have in his entire life.
> 
> He stared down at the key in his hand and bit back the sigh on his lips. It was for Shion’s sake. It was to keep him safe. That rush of dopamine that flooded his body as the lock clicked into place had nothing to do with it.
> 
> It was fine.


	4. Clicker Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short because of events that happened earlier today that I describe in the end notes. What a mindfuck.

When Nezumi came back that night, Shisaku was half-asleep on Shion’s shoulder where they sat on the couch. Shion jumped at the sound of the doorbell, and she woke with a start.

Shion raced to the door, and ushered Nezumi inside.

“Did you talk to your _girlfriend?”_ Nezumi laughed, then noticed Shisaku standing in the doorframe, looking pissed. “Oh. Why’s she still here, then?”

“Why are _you_ here?” Shisaku sneered at him.

“Hm. Okay.” Nezumi frowned at her dismissively, and turned away from her to face Shion. “We should talk.”

Shion nodded. “Oh- okay. Yeah. Let me just- let me just.” He looked around for something to do. Anything to busy his hands. “I’ll make tea.”

Nezumi nodded and strode past Shisaku to sit on the couch.

Making tea took far too little time. By the time he was done, Nezumi and Shisaku were sitting opposite each other, chatting.

“How long have you two been together?” Nezumi asked.

“About a month,” Shisaku replied. “We met at a construction project. You know, Shion’s done a lot more than just blow up the wall. He lead the revolution afterwards, and reshaped the government into what it is today.”

“Mhm.” Nezumi looked up as Shion walked in. “Hey, come sit down.”

Shion nodded and took a seat next to Nezumi, facing Shisaku. He set three mugs of tea down on the small table between them and sat back, staring at his lap.

“Hi.” Nezumi said softly. “It’s been a long time.”

Almost instinctively, Shion reached for Nezumi’s hand. It was a habit from years ago that apparently refused to die. “Yeah. I mean- yeah.” A moment later, he realized what he was doing and let go, glancing nervously at Shisaku. “Uh… Shi-Shisaku, I-”

“Yeah, I get it,” Shisaku interrupted him and stood. “Later, Shion.” She nodded at Nezumi and stormed off towards the door.

The second the door was closed, Nezumi’s demeanor changed. He took both of Shion’s hands and leaned in close. “What the hell are you doing?”

Shion was a bit taken aback. “What… do you mean?”

Nezumi scoffed. “With _her?_ What are you doing?” He shook his head. “Who do you think you’re kidding? Is anybody really falling for this?”

Shion gaped, unsure what to say or do. “Uh… What? Falling for what?”

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “You don’t even like girls.”

Shion frowned. “Yes, I do.”

Nezumi ignored him. “You haven’t even had sex with her. How is anybody supposed to believe you’re legitimately into her?”

Shion blushed. “I just never- wait, how do you know that?”

Nezumi ignored him again. “Are you okay? Are you depressed or something? Is that why you’re doing this?”

“Why do you care?” Shion pulled his hands out of Nezumi’s grasp. “You’ve been gone for so long, what was I supposed to do? Wait for you?”

“No, the opposite.” Nezumi scowled. “You were supposed to go _actually_ look for someone you could love. It’s just kinda fucking me up to see you like this. At least… Damnit, Shion, go get laid. You’re really… This is frustrating.”

“I like Shisaku!” Shion replied indignantly. “I’m just… I dunno, I’m not as into sex as you are.”

Nezumi closed his eyes, lips pressed into a hard line. “I-...” He shook his head and looked back at Shion. He appeared to think for a moment before leaning in quickly and kissing Shion full on the mouth.

Shion was too stunned to respond. He just sat there frozen, eyes wide as Nezumi pulled him closer and ran a hand up his thigh. Shion’s skin grew warm. He melted, leaning into the kiss. A soft sound escaped the back of his throat as Nezumi’s hand made it’s way up his thigh to his groin.

Nezumi pulled away, smirking. “See? Fuck you. See?” He folded his arms across his chest. “Lie to everyone, I don’t care, but don’t lie to yourself and _don’t_ lie to me.”

It felt like a dream in that confusing way where you’re pretty sure you’re dreaming, because everything just seems to crazy to be true, but you never quite fully understand that it is a dream. Just a mindless limbo of confusion.

“Wait…” Shion began, trying to put things together.

“You’re being ridiculous. I shouldn’t even let this surprise me. You’re just so… ugh!” Nezumi shook his head, looking away.

Shion’s thoughts finally coalesced, and an idea struck him. “Are you _jealous?”_ He stared at Nezumi, eyes wide. A smile crept across his face. “You are! You’re jealous! Wow, never thought that could ever happen.”

“I’m not!” Nezumi protested. “Whatever. I just think it’s stupid of you to waste time with her. Fix your life. Get your shit together.”

There followed an awkward silence. After a moment, Shion broke it. “How much did you see? On the mouse?”

“Not a lot. I just send it to your house sometimes. Or follow you home from work.” Nezumi shrugged.

Shion sighed. “That’s… that’s a really weird thing to do.”

“Really?”

“Yes! That’s… I dunno, ‘socially inappropriate’ or something. It’s an invasion of privacy.” Shion glanced over at Nezumi, who seemed genuinely surprised by this information.

Nezumi shifted awkwardly. “Well, I mean it’s not like you do anything interesting. You’re pretty boring.”

“So not the point,” Shion began. “And wow, harsh. I do interesting stuff. Let’s talk about _your_ behavior.” He felt a little more confident seeing Nezumi looking so surprised. “You can’t just, just walk up and, and molest people like that. It’s weird. It’s really really weird and inappropriate.”

Nezumi looked confused. “What? When did I do that?”

Shion almost laughed. “Seriously? Just half a second ago. Then you shoved me away and said “fuck you.” What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to respond? Plus, I haven’t seen you since I was sixteen and that’s a little close for my comfort.”

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “No, you just take things too seriously. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Again, beside the point.” Shion frowned. “You can’t just treat me like you own me.” Anger was beginning to bubble under his skin. Everything Shisaku had told him to say was coming to mind. “That’s not… that’s not how people act.”

Nezumi’s eyes darkened. “This has never been an equal relationship, Shion. I’ve been very clear on that. Still, I never made you stay. And I’m not forcing you into anything now.” He smirked. “But you know what? You’re still gonna follow me. Because you don’t actually _want_ an equal relationship.” He leaned into Shion’s space, eyes narrowed. “You want me to tell you something about yourself I’ve always known? You like being told what to do. You need it. You feel best when you give someone else total control so that nothing is ever your fault. You’re willing to be dominated so that you can keep your hands clean. So think twice before you ask for an equal relationship. Because I _did_ own you. And you know what? I still do. Once you figure that out, come find me.” He stood. “I’m back in west block. Same place. Later.” He stormed off towards the door and slammed it behind him.

Shion wanted to be angry. He really did. Instead, his soul felt exposed. He felt humiliated and small. Part of him wanted to hide in his room and never come out again. Yet- and he was having trouble even admitting it to himself- there was another part of him that wanted to run after Nezumi and apologize. For what, he didn’t know. For speaking out of turn? For being with Shisaku? That desire only added to his humiliation. He bit his fingernails anxiously as he desperately tried to ignore a third part of him. A very vocal, needy part of himself that hurt to admit existed. The fact that when Nezumi yelled at him like that, when he got in his face and said such horrible things, Shion felt good. Too good. He felt warm and alight, his eyelids felt heavy and his skin felt overly sensitized.

He hunched over, pressing his thighs together to alleviate the pressure building up between them. He bit his lip, and almost cried when he couldn’t deny the fact that he felt this way anymore. Blushing furiously and angry with himself, Shion shuffled off to shower.

Post-orgasm, Shion felt nauseous. He shut off the water in the shower and sat down on the tile floor, head between his knees.

_You’re gonna die, Shion. They’re coming for you. You’re gonna burn. You’re gonna BURN._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, instead of a bonus story, let me tell you some shit that went down over the weekend.
> 
> Writing this, I wondered if anyone would even believe me because usually when I tell stories like this, they don’t. But quick background on the people in this story as well as myself:
> 
> We never went to school. Any of us. We were all technically “homeschooled,” but we live in Texas, so there’s no real regulation on what homeschooling has to be. So basically, we all had the parents that every kid thinks they want. The kind that don’t tell you what to do (literally, ever) and are chill around weed and even smoke with you sometimes. They let me do whatever I wanted all the time, and that includes education. Nobody ever made me take any classes. So, this is actually a pretty normal day for us. Except for… some weird stuff.
> 
> I don’t know what to think.
> 
> I was walking down the road to meet my friends at the river. I didn’t know exactly where they were since it’s in the middle of the forest, so I was on the phone with one of them as they described their group.
> 
> “We’re the ones on the blanket. You’ll know us from a distance, we look like the forest people.”
> 
> I squinted, holding the phone more firmly against my ear. “I’m sorry, the who?”
> 
> “Oh it’s- ahh, nothing. Just this thing.”
> 
> Let me go ahead and establish that there is one person in particular I was going there to see, and they have white hair. Let me further establish that we had a weird semi-platonic relationship there for a while back when we both worked at the same theater. Let’s call them K.
> 
> I did eventually find them. Just as promised, they were all stretched out under the trees on a blanket. Half of them were toppless, and most were smoking weed out of a bunch of colorful pipes. I joined in because of course.
> 
> After a while, a wasp flies down and lands on our blanket. I’m like half-sure it’s not real because I’m already flipped out about the throw-away from before about the forest people, especially coming from K.
> 
> K, however, sees it too, and freaks the freak out. They run over to the river and dive into the water, not wanting anything to do with it.
> 
> “I hate wasps. Sorry. You don’t understand, they just… Those things terrify me specifically. I had a bad run in.”
> 
> Nothing major happens for about an hour, and I’m ready to head home. K gets dressed so they can walk me back to the road since I’m… not in the best condition to be wandering around the forest on my own.
> 
> As we walk away, another wasp flies by and almost smacks right into my face.
> 
> I stumble backwards. “Holy fuck!”
> 
> K nods solemnly. “Yeah. Those things will get inside you and lay eggs under your skin.” They smirked at me. “You know, parasitic wasps?”
> 
> This is where I officially think I’m being fucked with. I stared at them for a really long time with a half-amused, half-confused look on my face.
> 
> Eventually, K gets uncomfortable and asks, “What?”
> 
> I frown. “What did you mean, forest people?”
> 
> They shrug and told me a story that pretty much boils down to: “You know, I have this friend who was born in the forest. She left. But we said goodbye. It’s fine. We’re friends.”
> 
> My jaw is slack. “I was… Wait, do you mean me?” I’ve lived in the forest since I was tiny, and that’s… pretty much how mine and K’s relationship ended. I just kinda left.
> 
> K just laughed and started walking down the path. “I have lots of friends from the forest.”
> 
> I followed behind them, trying to work through this information. “Hey- by any chance have you seen this one anime where…?” I trailed off, distracted by a loud drumming sound in the distance. A few hundred feet away there was a drum circle with at least 70 people dancing and playing various percussion instruments. K looked like they wanted to join.
> 
> K shook their head. “I don’t watch anime. Just, well, Avatar when I was little. Like everyone else. I’m gonna go join the drum circle. It was good to finally see you again!”
> 
> “Okay…” I couldn’t find any more words to say.
> 
> It was weird. I had a weird day.


	5. ...I think you know what kind of training this is...

_Tell me what to do._

That text sat on Shion’s phone for an hour before he sent it. He stared at Shisaku’s name in the TO: spot until it showed that she had read it.

What do you mean?

Shion didn’t really know. He just wanted answers. He wanted- maybe Nezumi was right. He wanted to stay blameless. He wanted someone else to make the final call.

_I don’t know. This is really confusing._

It was a solid five minutes before she responded.

_Alright, listen. I’m really biased here because I like you and I’m pretty sure you’re about to break up with me. But here’s what I think: You need to get him out of your life. Make it very clear that you don’t want anything to do with him anymore. You’re a good person, and I know you don’t like offending people, but I think you have to. Stand your ground.You’re all grown up now, so be mature about this._

A moment later, another message followed.

_I don’t know much about the relationship between you two, but the little interaction I saw made me want to punch that guy in the face. I don’t like him. Maybe you see something in him that I don’t, but he reminds me of every schoolyard bully I ever met. So, make a choice, and stick to it._

Shion read the message over and over, still at a loss. He didn’t have anything else to say.

_K._

He tossed his phone on the bed and stood. Silently, he pulled on his shoes and walked out the door. He knew the route by heart. Even though the city looked so different, and West Block was getting more and more gentrified as the years passed, Shion could have made the trip with his eyes closed. He knew the exact number of steps it took before he was standing at the door to the room he had spent his worst three months in. He knocked.

There was silence. Shion stood by the door, wondering if nobody was home and he should just leave. He knocked again, then remembered.

“Oh. It’s me.”

Nezumi never answered knocking. After a long moment, Shion heard footsteps, and the door swung inwards. “Hey.” He stood in the doorway, like he might not let Shion in.

Shion glanced behind him at the darkened room. “I, um… I-I wanted to-”

“Yeah.” Nezumi turned away and walked inside. Shion followed him, closing and locking the door behind him.

Shion closed his eyes to prepare himself to say what he needed to. What Shisaku had told him to say. He took a deep breath, which, in hindsight was a mistake. An all too familiar scent filled his nose and suddenly he was sixteen again. Pavlovian, phantom hunger pangs hit him hard, and anxiety heightened his senses and paranoia.

Nezumi spoke to him in what felt like a semi-hypnotic state, which was certainly unfair. “So, what’s next for you, Shion? Now that you’ve accomplished what you set out to do, it’s time to move on, huh?”

_Move on. Yeah. That’s what I want._

Nezumi continued, “Gonna finally leave this city? I bet this is the farthest outside the city proper you’ve come in years. You know where I’ve been? Everywhere. I met everyone. I did everything. I know the whole world like it was my own backyard. Want me to show you around?”

_Shisaku said to tell you-_ “Nezumi, Shisaku-”

Nezumi was so close to him. They shared heat, and their noses nearly touched. “That relationship was bullshit and you know it.”

“I think-”

“Yeah, that’s the problem. You think. You never do. What do you actually _want,_ Shion? Because you’re hurting yourself more than anything here. What do you actually _want?”_

_I want to move on._ Shion built up the courage to say it. He needed to say it. “I want to move on.”

Nezumi smiled. “Good.” Suddenly, his hands were on Shion’s hips, and Shion forgot to argue.

_That’s not what I meant. Is it? This isn’t what I meant, right?_

Nezumi was guiding him across the room, and Shion still wasn’t sure what was happening. The backs of his knees hit the mattress and he sat down, and he still wasn’t sure. The look Nezumi gave him, and the way Shion’s legs fell open instinctively, and he still didn’t know.

Nezumi’s mouth was on his again, and this time it was nauseating confusion and guilt and _confusion,_ but Shion still couldn’t make himself say anything.

He was pressed back against the mattress, and Nezumi held both Shion’s wrists above his head.

“I’m not some manic teenager anymore, Shion,” Nezumi said. “I don’t want ‘The Road’ anymore. I’ve seen the world burn. Too goddamn many times.” He straddled Shion’s hips, sending a jolt of pleasure up through Shion’s spine. “I’m done with that life. I want ‘On The Road,’ I want _passive_ nihilism, I wanna forget my religion and be happy for the hell of it.” He released Shion’s wrists in favor of removing both their shirts. “I played Che Guevara, I wanna be Friedrich Nietzsche. I want to stop caring and just do whatever the fuck I want just because I want to.”

Shion was dizzy, not in a good way. Only about half of Nezumi’s words registered with him. “...Che Guevara?”

Nezumi’s eyes dilated. He reached down to stroke his thumb along the scar on Shion’s cheek. “The two of us, huh? Like Che and Fidel. Were we terrorists or heroes, huh? What do you think?”

At least that much registered in Shion’s mind. So, Nezumi thought about it that way too. Although, judging by the look in his eyes, it was more of a turn on than something that kept him up at night. “Che and Fidel…”

Nezumi smiled softly, his cheeks flushing. “Do you know what Fidel means?” He rolled his hips against Shion’s. “It means _faithful._ Like you.” He leaned in and kissed Shion gently.

Shion didn’t feel faithful. He felt like he was definitely cheating on Shisaku.

Nezumi unzipped Shion’s pants, and pulled them off fluidly. “Can you speak Spanish, Shion? _¡Patria o Muerte, Venceremos!”_ He unzipped his own pants and quickly tossed them aside. “That was your motto too, wasn’t it? Country or death?”

Shion’s vision went blurry. “Huh?”

Nezumi tutted. “Learn Spanish.” He ran a hand up the inside of Shion’s thigh.

Shion gasped. “I don’t wanna do this.”

Nezumi ignored him and removed Shion’s underwear, leaving him fully exposed.

“I’m serious,” Shion interjected.

“Thought you were ‘moving on,’ Shion,” Nezumi said flippantly, wrapping a hand around Shion’s already fully hard cock.

Shion simultaneously moaned and grabbed Nezumi’s wrist in a feeble attempt at assertion. “I…” His voice was lost in the sensation. His grip on Nezumi’s wrist momentarily slackened, and Nezumi quickly pried his fingers off. Before Shion could recognize what was happening, Nezumi untied the ponytail in his hair, and used the ribbon to bind Shion’s wrists.

“Hey, don’t.” Shion tugged at the knots.

Nezumi forced Shion’s arms back above his head. “Let me tell you how this is gonna go.” Nezumi’s eyes darkened violently. “We don’t have an equal relationship, Shion, remember? Never did. Never will. I think the concept is bullshit, but that’s another story. Not only do you prefer other people make the decision for you, but you won’t do _anything_ unless someone tells you too. That’s why you’re a virgin. That’s why you’re dating a girl. That’s why you’re still working at the same job in the same city that you’ve always been.”

I’m gonna tell you what to do. You’re gonna have new experiences, and you’re going to get yourself out of this pathetic depression you seem to be in.” He ran his hand along Shion’s cheek to cup his jaw. “Understood?”

Shion just stared in silence.

“Understood?” Nezumi asked again.

“I don’t want to do this,” Shion repeated.

Nezumi looked annoyed. “I know.”

Shion had been nearly raped plenty of times. He’d been grabbed and pulled into alleys, he’d been cornered and manhandled and groped. He’d had a few consensual sexual encounters as well. Nothing that really counted as sex, but he’d been physically intimate with other people before. This was different.

He’d never been so turned on in his life.

He’d also never felt so helpless and humiliated. He’d never felt so betrayed and taken advantage of. He never felt so patronized.

Mastubation wasn’t something Shion did regularly. Maybe once a week, twice at the most. He never felt the need. And when he did, he wasn’t exactly experimental. He got the job done.

He honestly had no clue he _had_ a prostate, let alone where to find it.

Nezumi knew. Nezumi knew everything. Maybe he really should just do what Nezumi said.

Shion’s voice caught in his throat, and his knuckles were white as he clung to the sheets.

It didn’t hurt. After all he had heard about anal sex hurting, it didn’t hurt. At all. That was a surprise.

It was, however, painfully humiliating. He pulled at the bonds on his wrists and sobbed in frustration and embarrassment. Why was this happening? Why did he _like_ it?

Nezumi’s cheeks were heavily flushed, and his grey eyes looked black. _“Dios Mio-”_

“Nezumi- ah- ah- I said… I said…” Shion’s toes curled. “I said I… ngh, oh my god… I said I don’t-” Something inside him broke. “Ahh… oh my god, yeah like that!”

Nezumi grinned. “Yeah? You get it? You understand?”

Shion nodded, and Nezumi quickly- easily. How?- untied his wrists. Shion immediately tangled his fingers in Nezumi’s hair and pulled his mouth down to meet his own. The kiss grew sloppy as Shion felt his orgasm growing. An incredible rush of love filled his body.

“Ahh, I love you, oh my god, I love you so much.” He gazed up at Nezumi adoringly.

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “Does… mm- That means you’re gonna come, yeah?” He sped up his pace, practically forcing Shion to climax.

“Ng- Ahh hahhh!” Shion swore he almost passed out. Everything was meaningless haze until he felt Nezumi follow him with a pornographic groan a moment later.

The two held each other in silence for a long moment before Nezumi spoke.

“I told you so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nezumi writes slashfiction of Che/Fidel.
> 
> So, this chapter was... hm. So here's a sweet bonus story:
> 
> Nezumi never knew Shion had seen him perform as Eve. That was a side of himself he assumed was private. Nezumi never knew Shion had ever heard him sing, so he had no clue why Shion knew those songs.
> 
> Shion was singing in the shower. It was the first time he’d done anything like that, So Nezumi wasn’t annoyed. Just… confused. Then thoroughly shocked.
> 
> It was a song from his childhood. One he thought would die with him. Yet, Shion was singing it clear as day, not a word out of place.
> 
> He sat down to listen, tears springing to his eyes. As a general rule, Nezumi didn’t think about the past. He tried not to think too hard about anything, actually. But hearing that song… He remembered his mother brushing his hair. He remembered freedom, and the horrible price that came with it. He remembered stoking fires in ovens, and skinning sheep. He remembered his father’s voice.
> 
> Nezumi fought against the lump in his throat as he realized Shion sounded like his dad. He remembered being held as a small child, his head resting against his father’s chest. He remembered the deep vibrations when his father would sing that very song.
> 
> With a silent sob, he realized his father was sixteen- the age he was now- when Nezumi had been born. He’d never felt so painfully like an adult, and he’d never wanted so desperately to be a child. His thoughts spun. His father had been sixteen when Nezumi was born. He had been 21 when he died. He would be 32 now. Would Nezumi last the next five years? Would he be 21 ever? Nezumi didn’t have a child. He had Shion.
> 
> Close enough.
> 
> He heard the water shut off, and a minute later Shion walked out the door in his pajamas, clean and smiling serenely.
> 
> Nezumi wanted to take care of him. He felt a deep ache of something like paternal instinct towards Shion, and he didn’t quite know how to handle it.
> 
> The two lay down together and Nezumi held Shion a bit tighter that night, and kissed softly on the forehead once he was positive the other was sound asleep.
> 
> “Dulces sueños, mi enamorado.”


	6. Loose Leash Training

Shion woke up to the insistent ring he had personalized for Shisaku’s phone calls.

Nezumi woke up too, and glanced at the name on the screen. “Jesus, it’s like… Oh, I guess it’s ten AM… You can answer her.”

Shion almost said something like, _I don’t need your permission,_ but gave up halfway through formulating the thought. If he wanted to be with Nezumi- and he still wasn’t sure he did- this was something he would have to accept.

“Hello?” Shion grumbled groggily.

“Where are you? I’m at your door, I started to get worried.” Shisaku huffed.

“I’m asleep.” Shion glanced around the room, getting his bearings in the familiar yet unfamiliar environment.

“Okay, well, come let me in.” Shisaku sighed. “I feel weird waiting at your doorstep, people are staring.”

“Mm…” Shion stretched, popping his back in a satisfying way. “I’m in West Block.”

There was a long silence on Shisaku’s end before she spoke. “Alright, fuck it.” She hung up.

Shion stared at the blank phone screen, confused and tired. “She hung up on me.”

“M’kay.” Nezumi stood, tossing the blanket off of himself. Shion blushed in sudden realization that they were both still naked. Suddenly, emotions and memories of the night before came flooding back, the most prominent thought in his head making him feel sick and dizzy.

_Is it rape if I liked it?_

Shion ruminated over this thought as Nezumi got dressed. _His body was so… enticing. I like it. I like him. I like him sexually. So it’s fine, right? That was fine. It’s all fine. Nothing was wrong. That was normal._

Shion placed a hand over his stomach. A feeling… like the hour before a stomach virus hits you full blast; that uneasy, slightly queasy sensation that you think might go away if you just ignore it hard enough.

_I don’t know anything. This world- so much worse things happen. I’ve seen them. I’ve experienced them. To worry over something as simple as this… it’s just stupid._

Ignore it harder.

_Morally, though. Philosophically and ideally this is wrong. I believe- yeah, I believe! I have a moral code and yes, bad things, worse things happen. But… I believe that sex should be consensual. It should be. No matter what. It should be. Otherwise, it’s wrong._

Ouch.

_Ideological nonsense. Pretty thought, but not how things work out here. You’ve been dirtier. He’s been dirtier. Honestly, it’s no big deal. Don’t think about it, just move on._

Ignoring.

_Listen, if there’s scenarios in which murder is okay, and we’ve decided that, right? You’re a murderer, Shion. But it was justified, yeah? So, if there’s times when murder is justified- and what a much worse crime than rape by far- aren’t there times when something like this is okay? It’s okay. Don’t be such a baby. You love him, so it’s fine._

Right. Exactly.

_I love him, and that’s what matters. I’m just getting myself into a pathetic, victim mentality. I love him. I love him. I love him, oh my GOD I LOVE HIM._

“I love you.”

Nezumi laughed dryly. “Gonna cum again?”

“I’m serious.” Shion picked at the hem of the blanket. “I feel… Really deeply towards you. Really… I feel so much that sometimes I want to cry. You’re family to me, and I love you.”

Nezumi turned around to look at him. “Family is meaningless.” He blinked, slight emotion breaking into his eyes. “Family means nothing. Just a construct of society to justify preferential treatment of one idiot over another. And… a construct of biology to protect your own genetics. It should…” His voice got thick for a moment, and he stopped talking. He cleared his throat and continued. “For rational people with a prefrontal cortex, family should mean next to nothing. I don’t care about genetics, and I don’t care to defend anyone but myself.” He blinked rapidly. “I don’t care about genetics, and you aren’t mine.”

Shion tried to keep the skepticism out of his expression. He had a lot he could say to that. A lot he wanted to say. But it was very painfully clear that Nezumi already knew. He already knew that what he was saying was again, idealistic nonsense. Philosophical truth that didn’t convert so clearly to human reality.

Shion was reminded sharply that Nezumi really didn’t have family. Nobody. The phrase “like family” was meaningless to him at best, hurtful at worst.

“Are you okay with me, Shion?” Nezumi said suddenly.

Shion frowned, not quite sure he understood. “What do you mean?”

“With… Nevermind.” Nezumi shrugged and pulled his jacket over his shoulders.

Shion frowned in concern. “No, what do you mean?”

“Like…” Nezumi bit his lip. “Like… I know I’m not a good person. And… some of that is the fault of the life I’ve been given, but a lot of it is just my own shitty decisions. And either way, it doesn’t matter because it is what it is whether it was my choice or not. So… I don’t know. You’re just… good. And I’m not. I want you to be okay. I don’t… I don’t want to mess you up.”

Shion wanted to spit out platitudes. He really did. He wanted to be reassuring and let Nezumi know that he was wrong- _you’re a good person, how could you say that about yourself?_ And other such nonsense. But one look into Nezumi’s eyes told him that wouldn’t cut it. Nezumi sincerely believed that he was bad and Shion was good, and he probably wasn’t wrong.

Maybe it was the room, maybe it was the adrenaline or the oxytocin, or just Shion’s own naivete… But he spoke honestly. “I think I like that you’re worse than me. Because I feel better about myself and the shitty things that _I’ve_ done. By comparison.”

Nezumi nodded. “So, what’s up with Shisaku?”

“I think she gave up on me. Because I came back to you.” Shion smiled sadly.

“Oh, good.” Nezumi tossed Shion his clothes. “You probably make for a shit boyfriend.”

“Probably.” Shion sighed, getting dressed. “But so do you.”

“I wouldn’t know. Never did that scene.” Nezumi sat down on the couch as Shion got dressed. “Most people run away before that can happen.”

“Or _you_ run away,” Shion reminded him bitterly.

“Yeah, I’m kinda known for that.” Nezumi smirked. “First to leave the ship and all.”

_This is nice,_ Shion thought, _Being calm and domestic. It’s unusual._ “What do you think of No. 6?”

Nezumi frowned, thinking about it. “You’ve done a good job. I think it’s gonna hold up.”

Shion glowed in the praise. “Think you’ll stay?”

“No.” Nezumi answered decisively. “Not for long.”

Shion was crushed. He struggled to keep the tears out of his eyes and voice as he protested. “But… What else…?”

“There’s nothing else you could have done-” Nezumi began.

“No, no.” Shion shook his head. “What else is there? Outside? Once you’ve seen everything, you never really know anything. You don’t get… It’s not the same. Visiting isn’t the same as living somewhere.”

Nezumi looked confused. “But I haven’t seen everything. Not even close. I never will. No matter how far I travel or how quickly I go.”

_That’s not fair. That’s not fair. You can’t just shake up my life like this and just leave. Again. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to wait for you forever? Will you ever come back? I was…_

“Shisaku is sustainable.” Shion stared down at the floor, pain eating his heart. “I could have a family waiting for me every night with dinner. I could be normal. I want that. Some people want that, you know.”

Nezumi scoffed. “Alright, whatever. If you really want that, go ahead. I won’t stop you.”

“You _are_ stopping me!” Shion growled in frustration. “I can’t- with you here… Don’t you understand how much I love you?”

“No.” Nezumi shrugged. “I don’t understand it.”

Nezumi headed to the door, and with a burst of anxiety, Shion jumped up after him, grabbing his hand to stop him leaving. “Wait.” He stared down at their interlocked hands with a feeling like grief in the back of his throat. “Let… let me come with you. Show me. I can’t… I can’t understand your world without seeing it, and you can’t understand how I feel unless I show you. So… take me with you.”

Nezumi looked at him skeptically. “That sounds like a decision. You’re gonna make a decision?”

Shion swallowed against the lump in his throat. “Yeah. I choose you.”

Nezumi grinned. “Good news, then. Let’s get going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, it's been a long time coming, but here's the next chapter. Plus----- BONUS!
> 
>  
> 
> Being alone is… weird. Being along for an extended period of time is weirder. Nezumi understood alone on a deep, personal level. He understood how easy it could be to just let it crush you. Most people never really know alone. Most people will always have someone.
> 
> There are many different levels of alone, and if he had to explain it, he would explain it like this: Imagine leaving your family to board an airplane. They wave goodbye, and you walk away. You’re by yourself at the terminal waiting, so you text your mom, your sister, whoever, updates about what’s going on. Then you board the plane. Phones off. Your radar goes silent. To kill time, you chat to the person in the seat next to you. Eventually, they fall asleep. Everyone one on the plane is asleep except for you. The plane lands, but nobody gets off except you. You walk out into the new terminal, and nobody speaks your language. You step outside the airport, and nobody wants to even look at you. The furtive looks they cast say “Foreigner. Possibly dangerous. Uncivilized, doesn’t understand our ways.” You board a bus. You’re the only one on it. It drives you to a house. You’re the only one in it. You check your phone, there’s no service. You look outside the window and notice that someone had built a wall around your house. You can’t leave. Nobody can get in. You shout, but nobody speaks your language. Or, nobody cares. It’s been so long since you’ve had contact with anyone. Suddenly, a newspaper is tossed over the wall. You read it anxiously. Your family is gone. They’re dead. Everyone you ever knew had been destroyed, and this _goddamned wall_ is in your face cutting you off from anyone who could help you.
> 
> You can’t blame someone in that situation for reading. You can’t blame that person for allowing themself to be consumed by the stories, it’s only natural. And when they play, they truly believe they are that storybook character. They talk to themself. They argue with themself. They create intricate fantasy worlds for themself.
> 
> Being alone is weird. But despite how alone he might be, Nezumi never let himself be lonely.


End file.
